Friendship is an intricate part of our human existence. As a child I remember yearning to have friends and always feeling like I trailed behind the pack and never could catch up. In school I especially felt like a "fish out of water". I never understood why kids would pick on those that appeared to be weaker in their fragile personalities and joining in to do some picking myself eager to win the approval of others. So I go through my secondary school years and enter my high school term. Such a big change and more kids so I could just get lost even further into the crowd. First day of my freshman year I met this quirky individual who would leave a mark on my life forever. For the first time I felt like I could actually relax and breathe. We lost touch for several years but have recently reconnected. He hasn't changed alot since then which I find very refreshing. He always seemed to be of the older soul mentality then into today. I enjoy how simple he tries to live.

Well onto the next stage of my growth. I worked, dated, finished high school and then life would take on a whole new meaning within the next couple of years. I moved out on my own and here begins learning to be a responsible adult. My view of humanity is "look at everyone around me taking life by the reins and staying on the horse". As usual I feel I am trailing behind after feeling I caught up my freshman year of high school. What the hell is going on? Why is it so hard for me to "fit in"? Well along came another surprise just a few months later. I met a man who worked at the same place as I just in a different department. I remember feeling like I had "come alive" once again. We were roomates for a short period of time and felt like I was on cloud nine. Something about him just captured me and I just didn't know what it was. I went through a toil of emotions that turned me into a perfect candidate for a "straight jacket". Well these actions caused this friend to eventually move out and carry on with his life. I felt like I had been sucker punched in the stomach. Where was this coming from and why am I acting like such a lunatic? I would learn through other events and years later why. I had fallen in love with him. And guess what? He is another person that I have reconnected with. He is now married with a family and I am grateful that years later I realized what had happened and that we had both moved in opposite directions. We haven't seen each other in person yet after 20 years but have spoken through phone conversations and text. I look forward to the day when that happens so we can have a hearty laugh over my insanity at the time.

So here I have arrived at reality's gate. I am a gay man. Not just "special friends" with a man. So what am I to do now? What are my family and friends going to think? What is the world going to think? Lost in the crowd "yet again". Well as a travel down a very twisted path of excitement and pain when I reached the end, there stood a man of such intriguing distinction.
What direction will my life go in this time (I'm thinking). I certainly was going to be "quite the challenge" as he would soon discover. Here I was quite comfortable living in my little world of chaos and confusion. The little boy inside of me had way more control than was acceptable at that point in my life and it was like breathing air to attract the right people into it. Not very long after we met it was as if some magician stepped in and waved his magic wand...Poof all of that was over except for a few leftover's that would eventually fade in time. So exciting at first but then I easily revert myself back into being "lost in the crowd". This time though this very special man didn't leave me. It seems I tried every trick in the book (not purposefully ofcourse) but he was still there. That was the day I would begin the long process of learning about friendships and the real meaning of them. By the way this person happens to be my spouse and we are still together 15 years later. The gift he gave to me is one that doesn't come along everyday and if you're not paying attention you will lose it.

For several years I continued to struggle with friendships and the true meaning behind it. Together my spouse and I both have faced some adverse situations but as the years have passed we've learned to deal with them accordingly. From the days of childhood until now I have learned so much about friendship and I'm sure I will continue to learn more as the years pass. I used to think that I had to be the problem solver but as I knew deep down and was also reminded of many times you don't have the power to do that, only the individual can do that if and when they are ready. I can see so clearly in a few of my friends what would be more of the right "fit" in their lives and that they need to make some serious life changing decisions. I am powerless though and realize that I have to step back and let them go down their own path. I'm a capricorn which explains alot of this part of who I am. I also have learned that sometimes you have to make some tough decisions when the time comes and do what is right versus's trying to spare their feelings. I may pay a small "or" heavy price but it's not about what my needs are at that time.

So the moral of my story here is...........In today's world where life is such a rat race and people can hardly stay still more than 2 minutes except when they're sleeping, learn to recognize those people who are the true friends and not what you have created in your own mind. Be willing to make the necessary sacrifices when the time comes (don't force it). The universe will let you know when the time has arrived. True friendship is not about quantity but instead it's about learning who a person is and accepting them 100 percent. Be a listener and teacher when necessary and don't always expect anything in return. And most importantly "be yourself". Most humans (whether they won't to admit it or not) tend to more times than not appreciate you more for being yourself than putting on a show. I finally arrived and realized that since my childhood I held to the right ideals. I was simply an individual with my "own" personality fighting against the chaos of fitting in. I'm so glad I had it right to begin with!!